Tuesday, May 17, 2005

One to save face

At the behest of some of my blogger buddies, who've disappointedly checked my blog over the past month to find something new--here's a shot. I'll try to muster up something....Well, perhaps this little entry could be about the challenge of finding some energy to write something worth reading, and not just some kind of diary entry. (I don't do diaries either, so what makes me think I'd be a good blogger?)
To tell the truth, the final weeks of seminary as well as caring for a new baby have been quite a plate full--but I guess there's always going to be something. I don't think I'm the only person in the world who faces this kind of pull--the desire to be creative and intentional, but the hesitancy to sit down in front of a computer screen or a sketch pad and feel that light empty feeling inside my head. It's kind of like a helium balloon--the meaningful thoughts feel lighter than air, and they just rise right above my consciousness. Usually the remedy is to go to the couch, turn on the tube, and feel the empty space with CNN or music videos or the Discovery channel. (By the way, has anyone noticed that TLC, Discovery, etc. have lost some of the weight? I used to be able to turn on the Discovery channel and actually be inspired by some program about ancient civilizations, architecture, or something like that, but these days all they seem to have is home fix ups and men fixing motorcycles, and wedding stories. What a drag) Anywhoo. My cat craves attention, and is currently lounging on the left side of my keyboard on top of my fingers so at least she can simulate a good ear rubbing, I've got student loan consolidation crap all over the coffee table, and a laundry basket full of clutter that we just wanted to get out of our eyesight sitting in the corner waiting to be sorted out. That's just the tip of the iceberg.
These days while Wesley is so young are full of little inspirations, but when it comes to recording them, something else comes up. My patience is worn thin and sometimes I snap at Lara when I don't really want to. I see why parenthood is considered challenging. I have some guilt as these words come off the keyboard and onto the screen b/c it might seem to the reader that I resent my fortune of being a parent, which is not the case at all. I just resent there only being 24 hours in a day. I was only doing marginally well when those 24 hours were all mine, but now quite a few of them belong to my son. Its not that I would rather be doing something else with my time when I'm laying with him under his little jungle gym thing or rocking with him in the rocking chair, or even trying to calm him down from a big crying spell. Every second is a treasure. It is simply that I wish there was more time for things like blogging, writing, painting, and reading. I am disappointed with myself that I more quickly turn to mind filling stuff like TV rather than mind expressing stuff like creativity. Perhaps this little post has been something "heart expressing" though, and to tell you the truth it feels a little better now.
thanks for listening

2 comments:

  1. hey nathan,

    thanks for sharing this. i feel like i have no clue what parenthood is really like, and it is so refreshing to read such honest reflections from a loving and dedicated new dad.

    thanks for being there on sunday!! and congratulations for graduating. we will be in touch!

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  2. Thou art a very fine son indeed and a very fine Dad as well...Love,
    Your Dad

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